I'm Not Even Sure....

I am mostly not sure of a lot of things, in particular, I am not even sure of my balance between strength and surrender.

I wake up in the morning and I want to peel myself from this chemo body and face….

But then I feel like I have let the weakness in.

It’s like an invitation for ingratitude. I summon strength in the form of prayer and remind myself, cliché as it may be, that this too shall pass. Maybe.

While this strength carries me through the torture of being seen, mostly by myself -

I find that once the sun continues to rise - I am still battling the collapse of fatigue. In recognizing that such exhaustion is not unique to my experience, I attempt to push forward into the break of day with a very hesitant plan of action with a fairly strong cup of coffee.

As fatigue has its own strength, and the coffee serves more as comfort than aid, I find that the whole morning feels all too familiar.

And then I call my own hope and faith into question.

Isn’t GRACE GIRL all about believing in miracles, and opening oneself to the “everyday” impossible?

Then how, on this very earth, could I begin to believe I will not feel reprieve?

To have more desires and dreams than one’s own heart can hold, with little to no energy, is a plague for which I have no name.

And… in case you think I have let myself wallow in any way… I assure you that is nearly impossible in our age of no excuses.

And also trust me when I say I think that is highly important to remember.

Because when I think of what some people are going through - and their fight and their ambition, of course they found a way. They never let circumstances dictate their aim, of course, they could not control the outcome - but they could set the course.

But then I wonder… is it possible, and could it be -

That GRACE GIRL is also here to remind us, that some action isn’t action at all. Maybe our greatest works can come from being still in God.

Sometimes it’s checklists…

Sometimes it’s goals…

but sometimes…

Sometimes the pain and fatigue isn’t a falling down.

It’s peace.

I tend to be hyper focused on the symptoms for which I cannot find relief… for which I cannot feel peace.

For 25+ years I have refused to give up, surrender or accept them. I want to feel good. I want to get rid of this hard basketball stomach that rests below my skin. I want a doctor who will assign it as a puzzle.

I want to be free from it.

AND

That may never happen. For several reasons. But the point is - I’m not even sure.

And that’s okay.

We all have this balance to tend to - what am I battling and how long till I find acceptance and peace?

Will feeling at peace bring acceptance?

I’m not even sure.

Will surrender bring healing? I’ve tried this approach in the past.

I’m not even sure.

I don’t have any answers…

So Holy Spirit… my trust is in you.

Amen.