40 Days... My Plan
/So I had this plan right… like for Lent… or like my for Life…
RIGHT. SO…
I am in a Bible study group… and we meet on Tuesdays… and we wanted to share our “plans” for lent.
Now it’s not like I didn’t have a long time to reflect and pray on this... AND I DID.
Wholeheartedly.
Monday night I still didn’t have an answer. So my final prayer went from patient - to something more like this.
Okay God, I feel really lazy and a little bit like a loser, because I don’t accomplish anything. Everyone else my age has or is making something of themselves… everyone but me that is. So for Lent I will give up things in order to fulfill my sacrifices, but I am also going to get stuff done. Like a lot. So I need help with that… what do you think?
silence… silence… silence…
“I will heal your heart”
Wait what?
“I will heal your heart”
K. Not really sure how that makes a good Lent for me… it’s supposed to involve a lot of suffering and angst. You know the drill. So….
“I will heal your heart”
WEDNESDAY/ ASH WEDNESDAY
Needless to say, the next day I shared MY PLAN.
Like I am going to go to bible study and say… oh what am I doing for lent… well I am letting God heal my heart… I don’t think so.
THURSDAY/ CHEMO DAY
I felt fairly good. So I assumed my counts were good. And I was right.
Only I couldn’t get chemo.
WHY???
Cause Wednesday… yes ASH WEDNESDAY… MY HEART… kept feeling like it was being electrocuted!
AND
As I am supposed to report all symptoms to my doctor… I had to tell him about this.
I also had severe, and I mean severe pain in my neck.
So… he wanted to postpone treatment and give me an echo as well as a 48 hr heart monitor.
BUT I HAD A PLAN FOR LENT… SO THIS COULD NOT DETER ME!
NOPE.
But then I heard it again.
I will heal your heart.
Hmmm, I thought. That may be the case. But I cannot continue to be a nobody. I have faith and I trust you have plans for my future, but a backup couldn’t hurt. (I know… I know… but I am human). I CANNOT BE STOPPED.
AND THEN, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT… PAIN IS EVERYWHERE AND I CANNOT MOVE.
I CAN’T EVEN REACH MY PHONE FOR HELP.
So I am trying to figure out how to get up.
First. I apologize to God.
Yes, I can be stopped.
But right now, I need pain meds.
So I roll to my side and let out a blood curdling scream. And then I know that the only way up is through more pain. I take the deepest breath that I can, and decide that the faster I can stand the better it will be. I force myself up in one motion while letting out another scream.
The pain meds my doctor prescribed did nothing. He told me to let him know if this was the case.
The answer… to get back on steroids. Which means I will not look like myself anytime soon. AND. It’s not in my control.
AND EITHER IS MY PLAN FOR LENT.
It is kind of funny when I think about it.
I mean doesn’t God know that Lent started Wednesday?
So why didn’t He give me the plan on time? I had been praying about this way before.
Everyone I know always has a detailed plan for Lent… and for their lives… and mostly they accomplish it.
BUT
I will also say that I have received SO MANY SIGNS for SO MANY THINGS that I DARE NOT MOVE TOWARDS…
because
I DON’T HAVE THE COURAGE…
and yet I do have the strength.
I KNOW THAT MOST PEOPLE COULD NOT MOVE IN OR EVEN LIVE IN THIS PAIN…
and I don’t say that through ego… in fact I only just began to believe it… cause it’s coming from the HS.
SO WHAT AM I DONG FOR LENT… FOR MY LIFE…
Well for right now…
I’M LEARNING TO LISTEN FOR THE WHISPER…
AMEN.