Sacred Calls...

There is always space, always pause. 

It doesn’t have to be dramatic or life changing. Sometimes it is. 

It’s human nature to survive. 

But sometimes I forget to stop running from the lion, to come out of hiding, to just move,

or to stop fighting my own shadow. 

Still, I keep growing. It’s an edge, and I keep growing.

Not happily ever after, but happily ever now. 

Today was my 4 month post breast cancer checkup. 

In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago. In someways it feels like yesterday. 

I feel like that is the experience of time with God. Time doesn’t really exist. 

Anyway… I noticed a little shift in that quiet inner voice of mine today. 

It wasn’t really my voice. At least not in the way that I know it.
I’ve been praying so hard for what I want - what I feel like I need. 

I want financial freedom. I want to pay for my responsibilities… and for that to happen - I need a job. And though I feel like I have applied for every possible position… nothing.

And my inner voice says - failure. 

And my inner voice says - FAILURE

And my inner voice says - uh hello FAILURE

HMM. 

BUT SOMETHING SHIFTED. 

I still sort of feel this way. 

But having this checkup also gave me that pause and space that I mentioned. 

I had 40 minutes while waiting to see my doctor - and I couldn’t apply for another job. 

So I listened. Then I got a little restless. So I prayed. Then I got a little restless.

I pulled out a book and started reading about obedience and the very word almost made me put it down. 

But then I realized it was more about being obedient to our spiritual calling and less to the “should” of our daily life. 

I said the included prayer - of how I could be more obedient to this spiritual calling, to God. And quite honestly I had no idea what would come, if anything, but I did in fact completely surrender. 

I am in that place, where I am hopeful but I have no idea what to do. I keep going, but I am not sure where. 

Like most of us starting over, I didn’t see it coming. 

All day I kept hearing. 

YOU NEED TO WRITE. 

All day, I ignored it. 

Finally I was like God, why can’t you just tell me how to be obedient? 

To which I heard… 

YOU NEED TO WRITE… 

It was a little louder in my mind this time. 

Well. It’s scary to write. It’s my absolute passion, but it doesn’t mean the risk is any less. 

Usually when I mention this, someone will tell me - then just write for yourself… 

For me, writing is sacred - and the sacred part is in the sharing… like sharing a meal. The call is a communal one.

I think we are all called to be vulnerable at times. 

I am not going to write this and pretend that I don’t care about earthly blessings.

But my pause today, helped me to realize that I have some very major changes to make in my life if I want a long, quality life. 

I have survived 4 battles with cancer, but I have some battle wounds. A weaker heart for one….

The warrior in me is listening…  

Amen.