Morning Thoughts...

I am a little exhausted as I sit here at 5 am this morning. God hasn't given me a break over the past five years... Don't get me wrong; I've had plenty of blessings, just not much of a break.

In the past five years, I've struggled with cancer and unemployment back-to-back - sometimes overlapping, sometimes simultaneously. Here I am once more.

Fortunately, this time it's unemployment. Better than cancer, but still, at Christmas time, one hardly feels good being laid off.

Sometimes people ask me what it's like to have stage four cancer, or rather they don't ask me, but they'll ask a question or two. Honestly, I didn't understand stage four cancer much at all before I had it.

I thought it was kind of this anomaly of people being near death yet living quite normally, so it seemed.

Well, of course, there is no typical stage four experience. I only know mine. I know that treatment every three weeks can be exhausting, though I couldn't be more grateful that such a treatment exists to keep me alive.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living so normally that the treatment just gets in the way. Other times I wonder how debilitating this treatment is and if I'll ever feel normal again.

Mostly, I feel like I get to be on this pilgrimage with God, and I have these amazing spiritual conversations daily. I am blessed to have this relationship as my daily sacred experience.

But then, sometimes real life creeps in, like being laid off and wondering how to support yourself financially when you're a sole provider and your child depends on you.

I don't know God. I don't know, but I'm listening.