Happy Birth Day...

I want to drift off to sleep… only there is more. An answer… to who is Stella’s mama. And while it is not complete, I feel it surfacing and swelling, literally.

And as I am tuning into this swollen pregnancy type belly, emerging with some discomfort - I am reminded of a unicorn painting experience Stella and I are sharing this weekend… on the 18th.

Until now, I had not thought about the date, only the day, Sunday. And on November the 18th, Stella’s baby brother, Rodger Carlton would be celebrating his birthday. I can’t say I forgot the date was coming, I was avoiding it.

I didn’t find this unicorn painting class, a dear friend sent me the link and I felt drawn to sign us up. But not because it was unicorn and not because of the date. My first thought was this is chemo weekend.

You will need a ride. You may not even feel well enough. But then all the fear went away. I understood we were MEANT to take this class.

It’s only since I am understanding that her experience of unicorns is the miraculous that the date is revealing itself to me. There are two unicorns in the painting. A mother and a child.

Stella does not only have a brother… she has a sister as well. She would be the middle child. She is the baby sister and she is the older sister.

Grace Girl, Stella’s Mama, mama of saints… who is she?

Who am I?

Who are you?

It’s okay that we don’t know. The answer isn’t important. It’s about the quest. It’s embracing our humanity, and divinity in the everyday miraculous.

Gianna and Roger both make their presence known but in very different manners.

I always sense Gianna in the sacredness of numbers. Yesterday while at the hospital for chemo, I heard the baby lullaby play over the speakers three times.

I will explain the significance.

My water broke on Mother’s Day while I was pregnant with Gianna. She was just 17 weeks gestation.

My parents rushed me to the hospital and my doctor wanted to get me to the OR immediately. I hesitated and asked if amniotic fluid could build back up? I was not having contractions and she still had a heartbeat. My doctor was so concerned about me but said he would admit me to the hospital, keep a close watch, and if we had to go the to operating room he would do what he could.

And I prayed. I just prayed. And I was weak, but I just prayed. And a few days later they let me go home as my amniotic fluid had surrounded my baby once again.

Within hours of returning home, the contractions started. I was so confused. Why had God answered my prayers and given me a miracle just to take her away?

All I could think to ask in this state of debilitating pain was for a sign from the Holy Spirit that He was, in fact, present.

And then it came. My beautiful healthy girl, who was simply too young to live, was born at 1:23.

They didn’t play the lullaby over the intercom for her. They quickly hung a sign on my door. Everyone who entered had a lowered head. It was somber. Painfully somber.

I think this is why she appears to me in numbers. I see 1:23 everyday. She also comes in 333 or 3 or multiples of 3. Sometimes she comes as a rose or the color of pink. But I just know.

Roger appears in animals mostly. Especially cardinals. And I know it mostly because of how strangely the animal is behaving.

Roger was born at 20 weeks. I will always remember them preparing me for his heartbeat. While Gianna had a heart beat until she was born. Roger was born with a heartbeat. It didn’t last long, but they wanted me to know that I just needed to hold him. That he was, in fact, still too young to save.

I didn’t ask God for a sign during his birth. I just couldn’t believe it was happening again.

Stella was at home with my mom and that made the experience different as well. I could not fall apart.

But it’s like I forgot how to pray. It didn’t seem to matter. Two precious babies left this earth whether I wanted them to or not.

My mom picked me up from the hospital and we returned to my house. There at my window was the most red cardinal I have ever seen in my life. Stella saw it and started cooing and singing. And it stayed. It just stayed all day. And even though I didn’t have the heart to pray I just knew it was him. And he continues to appear and let his presence be known in cardinals.

And sometimes as a deer. One time I was watching a deer in the yard and I didn’t want to scare it. I quickly paused. It sensed my presence nonetheless, so I figured it would run away. Instead, it approached the stairs to the deck. I moved toward the glass sliding door and that deer walked up the stairs onto the deck. I moved closer to the glass. It walked up to the glass window so I sat down. And it just stayed there with me for what felt like hours. It may have been moments. I am not exactly sure. But I knew it was him.

Tomorrow we will celebrate your birth days… we will celebrate your miraculousness.

I love you.

Amen.