Displaced and Erased

I don’t know. Not exactly sure the first time I felt it, but it was early, maybe even before I had cancer. But for sure then. My whole life I feel like I have been in the wrong place at the wrong time as well as in or out of my body at the wrong time.

It’s as if I displaced myself and never quite knew how to go back. And so while I have always felt internally exiled - this is my first experience of an actual physical displacement - in the form of losing my house.

And never… never… did I want my daughter to feel the rejection I have coped with my whole life. And so hopefully she will not. Hopefully family will safeguard her heart from any such feelings of loss.

Today was a struggle. Today felt like defeat. Even when you know you haven’t waved a white flag - you can still defeated. Even when you know you will never give up - you can still feel defeated.

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. But I’m only human and I bleed when I fall down. I’m only human. I crash and I break down. Your words in my head, knives in my heart…. I can turn it on. Be a good machine. I can hold the weight of the worlds… I can do it. I can do it. I’ll get through it… I can take so much. Until I’ve had enough. Christina Perri

And so after years of feeling displaced I just became erased. It didn’t happen overnight. It was just years of slowly decompiling myself.

But I look at her and the story is there. I’m not erased at all. Not even a little. And thus the inspiration.

I look at her and I see I am her warrior, a rising warrior, a light warrior and Grace Girl.

She is a wee warrior and a mini grace and she is fierce. She is everything.

Hail Mary full of grace….

Amen.