Shhhh... it's quiet

A voice of silence is a voice itself. And silence is not separation nor is it isolation, though this is a story I told myself AND one that I came to believe.

I have learned, that this silence I experienced, is something other than THIS STORY.

Because in this story, I am lonely. The silence is a space of sheer loneliness. Well, that’s what I thought.

I think we have all experienced seasons of loneliness in our lives. And I am not talking about a lack of family and friends. I am speaking of a disconnect that makes you feel as though you are isolated.

As a child I was often physically isolated due to low counts, hospital stays and finally my bone marrow transplant, But then there was also the disconnect… everything I missed by being gone, or even thought that i missed - it became a reality.

My reality.

Fast forward to now.

I have not been physically isolated other than my own fatigue or exhaustion.

And yet… some of these same feelings began to surface, but why?

I couldn’t figure it out.

And then, I realized I was used to connecting through EGO, the self, the I the ME…

BUT

When I am in this transcendental place the EGO doesn’t exist… or barely exists.

and in this one moment…

MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD… young adulthood, and every moment leading up to this EXACT MOMENT… made sense.

It made sense.

You cannot help but be close to the angels when so many are praying for you. You cannot help but be close to the Holy Spirit. You move closer to your life source.. to God. You know very well that you need divine intervention.

And in my case, unlike my childhood, this isn’t life or death…

But it is about staying vital, and present, and strong.

I can’t say that I completely understand this silence…

But without EGO at my core… I realize that the contemplative prayer I am always '“trying” to practice is what I’ve actually always known. AND it’s what I experienced so many years ago.

There are as many definitions of contemplation as there are for meditation. And in this story, I am speaking mostly of an effortless silence and connection to the soul - in a prayerful and spiritual state, with your heart.

Suddenly you are there, but you may not even know how or why. You may not remember it all. It’s a place you are meant to go but cannot plan to go. It’s not a prayer of effort or intensity… it’s not a test of the soul but rather an encouragement. It’s neither breath or non breath. It’s neither in or out of time. It just is.

And sometimes in this silence, especially when I am not especially aware of my connection to my soul, it can feel lonely. Like the past few weeks.

AND SO I CHANGED THE STORY.

It’s why I missed a couple week of posts, because I hadn’t quite figured it out. And of course the story isn’t actually figured out. or written, but it’s changing.

Cause now I know that when I am in “that space,” I’m not actually lonely, or alone, or isolated. I’m in a prayerful place and I can come to the surface to connect. with a sense of self and community… because I am not fighting for my life.

I am living it.

AMEN.