Not Today....

More specifically NOT TODAY Satan… although that’s what it feels like in my brain… my brain on steroids.

I don’t always like talking about the day to day ritual of “fighting cancer” or “healing” or whatever you want to call it, but then again, to deny the everyday is to ignore the moment and the actual place of transcendence.

I never want anyone to have to go in the mud with me to experience the lotus, but then again, it may be difficult to understand the lotus without the mud.

I AM BACK ON STEROIDS… my body is too inflamed without them, and the pain meds do not work without them.

So how to make peace with the inevitable?

The worst part is being seen for something you aren’t. You are aware enough to know that you aren’t acting like yourself and yet “effected” enough not to be yourself.

No one likes me when I am on steroids. I get it. I am not myself.

Darker, sadder, meaner, confused… I don’t like myself all the much. I get it.

I don’t like talking about this… but I also believe St. Ignatius had it right when he said that SATAN doesn’t like us to bring things to the light.

AND I WANT TO BRING THIS TO THE LIGHT.

Right now, I am not my best self.

Right now, I am suffering more without steroids.

Right now, I am trying to hide this disappointment.

Right now, I am failing.

As a highly sensitive person, I am even more sensitive to medication. I am so super, highly sensitive to medicine that even this incredibly low dose of steroids makes me have to say… NOT TODAY SATAN.

CAUSE I HAVE GOD.

I KNOW WHO I AM.

THIS WILL PASS.

Whatever your darkness, whatever your pain, whatever your struggle… just bring it to the light.

I won’t always be on steroids.

But I will always have this soul. And I am trying so hard to keep it present in the light.

Because I will be likable again. I know who I am.

God protect me in this battle.

I’m coming to the light.

Amen.