Kaleidoscope

Last Thursday… I managed to miss an appointment by a day, arrive for an appointment that didn’t exist, and wait for an appointment for which I was two weeks early.

Now.

I didn’t question any of these scheduled appointments as I was quite sure I was right where I needed to be.

Only I wasn’t.

And a week later I am still thinking about it.

Oh sure there is a message of time and what it means… Only I’m not sure if it’s any of that.

Chemo brain for sure. But it did get me thinking.

We cannot be PRESENT during SURVIVAL. (okay you can, but mostly we do not respond in our presence but rather we react in our presence).

It’s not about trying harder or closing our eyes for better focus.

It’s FLUX.

BEST WORD EVER.

AND

It quite possibly saved my life.

I studied it as a philosophy in a literature class my sophomore year of college.

I finally had PERMISSION.

To be and not to be - simultaneously… because that is what survival and healing feels like.

But with flux… as with writing, it is normal and even admiral to be both present and non-present.

Like a kaleidoscope, the patterns flow in and out- just as you cannot step into the same river twice.

Had I twisted that lens just a little, I may have been exactly where I needed to be for those appointments, but I was in non-presence. That was okay too. Maybe not ideal, but certainly not life or death…

and…

Perhaps that is the difference between surviving and healing.

The kaleidoscope keeps turning… not sure what is next.

What is my mission, purpose… intention in life?

Or

Right now, is it this?

Amen.