I knew I needed to surrender, but it’s just so hard to let go.

It can feel like weakness, it can feel like laziness, it can feel like giving up.

I even overthink my surrender.

But I wasn’t born this way.

So here it is.

I was blessed to be able to reconnect with a dear friend this week. And while we haven’t seen each other in many years - the timing was divine intervention.

Not only is she my tribe - she is a breath that my soul recognizes.

So let me explain how reconnected I am today… and how I learned about surrender in less than 72 hours. It’s not even about the time. It’s that it wasn’t the challenging, effortful event I thought it needed to be. I just had to stop asking questions.

I’ve always been very connected to the Holy Spirit. Always. And then, sometime in high school, I sought some advice from a spiritual counselor. I was warned to be careful - that what I think is good… could actually be evil and that I needed to discern.

I began to doubt this spiritual connection.

And then, 9 years ago, I was ready to give birth to my baby- but she was only 17 weeks gestation.

My water broke on Mother’s day. I knew that I couldn’t prevent the labor. I knew that she was going to come too soon. I remember pleading with the Holy Spirit… that if this was going to happen - He needed to make His presence known.

She was born at 1:23. And I knew the entire Trinity was with me.

Once I understood this language, it began to develop. It was like our own little secret code. I don’t notice all numbers all the time - but, at times, I will experience chills and even feel like someone is looking at me. It’s like that, it’s a sudden knowing that I need to pay attention.

And even with this absolutely beautiful connection with the Holy Spirit… I still experience that doubt, I still resist surrender - because I’m human.

But

After weeks in a spiritual funk… my friend, my tribe shows up.

And then this happens.

We are walking outside, enjoying the not quite 90 degree weather. Hey it’s better than last week.

We are talking, and I get that feeling. I glance to the right and there is an enormous number seven in my vision.

It was probably the 5th number seven I experienced that morning!

So with no filter at all - I shout,

OMG it’s another number seven!

I quickly realize that I probably don’t make any sense. I began to explain that the Holy Spirit converses with me in numbers…

AND that I kept seeing really prominent 7’s all morning.

Then that really creepy doubt shows up… and in my mind I’m thinking - why did you say that? She is going to think I’m crazy.

What do you do when you think someone may think you’re crazy?

Well, if you are an over thinker, like me, you add more crazy. Yep, just pile that s*#^ on.

I tell her about my eldest being born at 1:23.

I will keep spelling this out for you, but after you add more crazy, you don’t decrease your self-doubt.

At this point, we are approaching the computerized meter box -

I’m feeling anxious about my disclosure -

until I read the time on the box…

1:23

Needless to say, trust yourself - trust your intuition, but don’t take it from me.

Even after this affirmation, I found myself questioning my experience.

I am still playing the story from high school, what if this is all somehow bad?

And then I get that feeling again, I sense something, and I look up - AND

its 3:33.

Now, finally, there is something that I know.

I DON’T HAVE TO KNOW.

It’s no wonder we are supposed to have a child like mind. I didn’t question why I had cancer as a child, I didn’t need to know why I lost my hair or had to suffer.

We are in full acceptance as children.

I don’t have to be some kind of spiritual mind reader. I don’t need to understand why the Holy Spirit is with me or what divine purpose I have.

I want to know, I would like to know, but I don’t need to know.

And that is my surrender.

Amen.