Timing is Everything...
/I’ve been away for awhile. But it’s intentional. I’ve been scared to share. Ive had hundreds of stories fill my mind. All of them felt important, only I wasn’t sure why. I have shared stories I wasn’t sure about before, but this felt different.
I continued to pray to the Holy Spirit, for at the ability to discern. And then I just kept waiting, and waiting… and with that came some darkness. Because pain without purpose is nearly unbearable.
I can endure so much pain that it would go undetected by most. And while I may not be the most bubbly person you have ever met, I hide more symptoms than you will ever know. And I learned how to do this at an early age.
So why all the fear?
My treatment will be coming to an end this Fall. I should be elated, and I am. Only I remember the last time my treatment ended. The effects it had on my body were permanent. So while I was expected to feel good, I didn’t.
It made me feel ashamed. And I have lived that shame in every breath for nearly 30 years.
But
This isn’t a sad story. It’s an awakening.
The Holy Spirit let me know a few things I haven’t known before today… things I’ve wrestled with, but never knew.
That is, while my body doesn’t have a diagnosis for late effects, I don’t have to feel ashamed.
Blood results are blood results. And whether they complete a diagnosis doesn’t matter, whether people understand them doesn’t matter, whether I understand them doesn’t matter.
My case was brought up for the tumor board a year ago. How could they treat someone for cancer who had already had so much collateral damage to the body. Would the risk of the treatment outweigh the risk of the cancer reoccurring?
I am going to say this because it’s the part of my story I never share. Because in my heart of hearts I know we all do our best. That said, 30 years ago, I did not receive any advice on self care after cancer. Zero. I was given a book on everything that could go wrong with my body due to the radiation and chemo I received, but that was 15 years later. I still didn’t receive any information on how to self-care.
LAST THURSDAY EVERYTHING CHANGED, only I didn’t realize it till today.
Of all things, I was at an Open House for my daughter’s school. Sister explained the number one goal, her mission - the school’s mission was to instill happiness in our children. i felt chills of the Holy Spirit encase my body. I looked around the room to see if anyone else was reacting to this overwhelming sensation.
I began to take notes. I almost stopped, because I felt like a nerd. No one else near me was taking notes. I felt a quiet voice tell me that it didn’t matter what anyone else was thinking.
I felt myself wishing that was also my goal for myself. AND I realized it could be.
So instead of praying to heal my body, I began to pray for happiness…
AND LIKE I SAID, EVERYTHING CHANGED.
Yes it is a mini-miracle, but not magic. Life is life and I still don’t know what is coming.
BUT LET ME SUMMARIZE the lessons I learned since praying for happiness.
My body is sick, not with cancer but - I have high cholesterol, high blood pressure, hormone imbalance, liver dysfunction, hypothyroidism, vocal cord dysfunction, chronic fatigue, chronic pain, etc. My cardiologist has told me I have the nervous system of a ninety year old.
When your body is sick - you don’t make it work any harder. Until now, no doctor has ever told me to take care of myself.
When my doctor doesn’t have the answer, he finds it for me.
While research is still inconclusive in terms of the “best” lifestyle diet, I am told that for me - it is probably best to limit dairy, meat, sugar and alcohol.
This is probably common sense for most people. I was only 12 after my first battle with cancer. If I did anything different from my peers I heard things like I thought I was special, even adults made comments about feeling entitled (not when I was a child, but recently).
Shame makes you believe that the bad things people say about you (as well as the things they don’t say) are true.
Like I’ve said in the past, the first thing I said after being diagnosed with Leukemia at age 9 was “what did I do wrong?” And the first thing that I felt was shame.
No one has ever had to convince me of my failures… I can usually add to it.
This is the story I haven’t written, it’s the missing piece.
HAPPINESS.
I’ve always wanted it. I’ve certainly felt it, but shame doesn’t let you feel like you deserve it.
And kind of like when you tell and angry 5 year old to calm down - telling a person with shame to just be happy - well it makes them dive further into shame.
If I am a grateful person, and I like to think I am, then I SHOULD be happy.
And if I think I’m happy but I don’t feel happy - then what?
THIS IS WHERE THE WHOLE TOPIC OF SHAME AND TRAUMA GROWTH BEGINS…. and also where I definitely need to reference Brené Brown for opening my eyes to the significance of shame.
IN CONCLUSION…
Am I still a little worried about the end of treatment, YES.
BUT I am not going to be ashamed of what I need to do to take care of myself.
And that makes me happy.
And being happy makes me a better role model for my daughter.
And that makes me happy.
Amen.
