The Plan...

I used to think I knew,

I know.

I used to have a plan,

I know.

Still.

I thought I knew.

Found myself envisioning a family….

Praying for love,

Moving towards a dream - —

moving towards something that never

existed.

Something that never was.

Except

a baby girl

for which I could never imagine such a miracle.

And then that prayer that was my life went

SILENT

And

We didn’t know where we belonged - we were quite literally shifted.

A home we thought we would be ours forever, would be no more…

But even more so, it would be taken sooner than promised.

We found ourselves homeless -

Literally and figuratively.

I couldn’t figure out how to take that loss for her nor I….

And

I didn’t know where we belonged.

Moving in with my parents - an embarrassing feat as a parent….

And finding out that I had cancer.

And

I didn’t know where I belonged.

Was I in crisis mode or survival mode?

I knew the cancer, I understood it.

I didn’t know the loss of betrayal -

in being homeless

in fighting cancer with a child….

I only had cancer as a youth and as a young adult. This felt different.

Where did we belong?

All this with the first year of her starting school, my first year as a school parent….

We weren’t sure if we belonged.

We only saw whole families. We only felt loss.

Our whole life was building him. His career, his life.

Where did we belong?

We just couldn’t see it yet.

God moving us into the Light…. from a darkness we couldn’t yet see.

The Plan was gone long before I knew anything had changed.

Sometimes…. I still don’t know where I belong….

Sometimes… I still wish I had the plan….

But then I remember two things….

For I know the plans I have for you…

Jeremiah 29:11

and

When the time is right, I, the Lord, will make it happen…

Isaiah 60:22

So I take a deep breath… and remind myself.

We already belong.

Amen