Survivorship

And in giving myself that very permission I am also reminded of how I used to run across the street. Not like a joyful skip. Like a run for your life don’t be in the way kind of a run.

Sometimes it’s not easy. Sometimes I feel like I can’t take up space. It feels like the world could just fold upon me and snap - I’m lost. Gone.

As a survivor, I constantly have to remind myself that I can take up space - actual physical space, conversational space.

But then, it also feels like don’t press your luck, don’t be found. But then I was found anyway. So i don’t think that should be my prayer anymore.

I don’t write about my life because it’s all that interesting. I write about my life because it’s my story. The only one I have. It’s the canvas from which I draw all my pictures. It’s the center from which others experience my soul. And of course… this is all true for you as well.

Maybe certain circumstances make you more aware of this phenomenon. I can think of the ellipses that bring me closer to this center.

One such circumstance for me began at age 9, with Leukemia. It’s not that I linger there… it’s that my center was drawn from there at one point.

And when the Holy Spirit wakes you up in the darkness of morning, you pay attention to where you are drawn.

I used to avoid it. I felt it was an issue that I could not move past.

Until.

Until I realized there are moments we are given.

There are moments we are given to remind us that we are held.

And in these moments, these precious little moments, we remember that maybe we are precious also.

That we are drawn and created on purpose.

And then I don’t have to run across the street - trying to survive.

We all have centers to which we are drawn. it’s okay to be drawn to your center… the points from which you are drawn will draw others.

I am drawn to contemplative prayer when I reach my center. But then i thought I shouldn’t reach contemplative prayer and that I should meditate or be quiet. I didn’t trust that my center knew and understood itself.

I used to think that contemplation was overthinking. Contemplative prayer is not overthinking.

In fact, I looked it up.

According to Christian practice, contemplative prayer is practice that aims at “looking at”, “gazing at”, and “being aware of” God or the divine.

Further, the Catechism of the Catholic Church explains that it is part of three major expressions of the life of prayer.

I mostly never look up what I feel I know intuitively. Only that in this case, I found myself truly resisting contemplation - even though I am drawn to it, like the air I breathe.

The catechism of the Catholic Church states that:

the Christian tradition comprises three major expression of the life of prayer: vocal prayer, meditation and contemplative prayer. They have in common the recollection of the heart.

You are never in God’s way.

Amen.