"The Woman I Want to Be"

I never get dressed without a Hail Mary full of grace; to armor myself in her warrior strength, to be a part of her tribe and to know fully well – body, mind and soul that I am clothed in her faith, dignity and love.

I fall into a meditation of pink. Pale pink is my Zen, my prayer, my Hail Mary full of Grace.

And in this prayer, comes another layer. Often its Pink with Just Like Fire as I embody the essence of the Holy Spirit and I embrace for how such passion will fill my day. Sometimes it’s Human by Christina Perri as I am feeling the ultimate balance between my frailty and raw compassion. Knowing… that I have, in fact, fallen with my cross and must surrender to the graces abundantly present. It can be Girl on Fire by Alicia Keys as I know God is filling me with the strength to do something that will require me to take a leap. I have Fight Song by Rachel Platten, Praying by Kesha and so much inspiration that fills my heart, but there is always a sacred song.

This is more than a playlist… the Holy Spirit is always speaking and always, ALWAYS preparing me with the radiance to face my day.

And I layer and layer until I feel fully dressed in Spirit and set to embody the call… whatever that is for the day. I am always obedient to the call and rarely in complete understanding of it.

My body is the only vessel I have for carrying my soul, so every element is essentially the art of my prayer. A prayer for which I intentionally devote to the Holy Spirit… as I pray this love will radiate.

Fashion is not what I wear, it IS “the woman I want to be,” As Diane Von Furstenberg so beautifully and eloquently describes. I don’t dress for trends, I dress for the mission I want to embody, for the woman I want to be. Every piece is dedicated to its own inspiration.

In the case of my daughter, perhaps it is - though she be but little she is fierce, or she believed she could…so she did – because she too needs to be clothed in the graces and intentions of my prayers for her.

Tomorrow I am already feeling Still I Rise by Maya Angelou… and for me personally it’s from a universal brokenness. I am not broken, Cancer does not own me. I am Stella’s mom. And as such… Still I Rise.

And speaking of Cancer, I have to go back to how this inspiration began.

It all started with a red polka dot shirt, that my parents – so very brilliantly, felt divinely called to purchase (they didn’t say they were divinely called but I am sure of it now). I was in isolation for my bone marrow transplant. After a request for some non-hospital pajamas they returned with my “red blood cell shirt.” A red polka dot shirt for which I could fall asleep, rest, and heal all while the shirt did the work, the “ mission” of making healthy red blood cells.

Ahhh I got this. I felt it in every cell of my body. I could breathe. Yes. It was something that made complete and absolute sense, finally. It worked by the way. Also as a side note I realized the first dress I ever modeled was a red polka dot dress, so maybe I was already being prepared for this mission. Who knows?

While I used to only understand this art of prayer in terms of my own practice, my heart now wants to share this practice with others. If you have ever stood in front of your closet and wondered what to wear - I would say that you are asking the wrong question.

What is the poetry of your closet, what are your battle wounds, what does the Holy Spirit want you to shine on the world today? I’ve learned you need to be the woman you want to be. No one will ask you to be her… except the one who created you, but you have to listen. You have to breathe… and MOSTLY you have to be present, here.

amen.