Conscious Kindness...
/I never thought I would post anything this honest and yet I find myself thinking that, very rarely, do we experience anything in complete isolation. So then maybe you can relate.
I’m going to share what I have learned about being consciously kind to my body in a moment that health and wellness is at peak attention.
I have a desire and wish to take care of myself, to feel good, to have energy, and to love my experience of life.
And sometimes, despite my best efforts. My body takes revenge. Or something like that.
This isn’t true for everyone. I have friends who have a very ideal response to normal healthy directives. That is, they eat well, exercise and have very optimal energy and wellness results to say the least.
THAT IS NOT MY EXPERIENCE.
I have what they call Late Effects from my childhood chemotherapy, radiation and bone marrow transplant. I don’t have a thyroid.
I have a diagnosis of postural orthostatic tachycardia, high blood pressure and high cholesterol… other than that, it’s all undefined symptoms of a very aged nervous system.
That said, you don’t have to have any diagnosis to understand what I am about to describe.
Our miracle bodies don’t always act or respond how we think they will. We are not in complete control. We are living miracles. We are unique. We are creations.
And sometimes… We make NO SENSE.
My first experience with postural orthostatic tachycardia was in New Orleans. We were walking around the cobblestone streets in extreme heat.
The skin on my legs turned into leg warmers. I kid you not - I had at least 8 ripples from my shin to my ankles. My legs were huge, swollen and felt like they could burst. It was also my first experience with pitting edema.
I know that cobblestone is not my friend.
Nevertheless, yesterday was a fun family Christmas celebration in the Streets of St. Charles.
I knew what I was in for… or more accurately, the visceral experience to come. I walked those cobblestone streets with Stella and my family. I let go of expectations and enjoyed the moment.
I let myself be.
I used to think if I was just good enough I could prevent all of this from happening. And while a healthy diet is important to me… it has yet to change my universal physical experience.
Last night I did something new. I decided that no matter what happened in my sleep - I would be kind to myself in the morning.
I would accept myself no matter what.
And I woke up to a COBBLESTONE FACE.
I’m not kidding. I looked like I was beat up with water balloons. Medically, it’s called moon face but it was a Picasso moon at that. I looked at all three of my chins… my brutally swollen abdomen, and my heavy laden legs… and then I wondered what I could do differently.
How could I change the story?
I decided to wear kind clothes. I offered myself relief and compassion for a journey that my body endured. I gave myself permission to RECOVER. It will take a week or more. And that’s okay.
I used to fear being judged. If I were healthy and well… I wouldn’t look like this. I wouldn’t need a week of kind clothes. I could maintain an appearance. I wouldn’t morph into a stranger of myself overnight.
God doesn’t decide how SACRED we are by how our bodies respond to food, exercise and life. I have exercise intolerance. I used to judge myself for that… like it was a mind over matter issue.
It’s not. It just is.
I am going to sleep with a cobblestone face. It’s a lumpy hot mess. And if God can love this piece of art then I think I can too.
This isn’t about accepting flaws… although I like that idea.
It’s about understanding that being consciously kind is a very HOLY PRACTICE. I used to think that being holy was never seeing yourself as good enough… BUT WHAT IF THAT’S WRONG?
WHAT IF WE JUDGE OURSELVES WAY TOO HARSHLY… LIKE ALL THE TIME?
BODY + SOUL STORY LESSONS:
Compassion of self brings our life to the light… that is my ultimate prayer
Being afraid of what others think keeps me in the dark and separates my body + soul
Conscious kindness is a practice that connects me with others in a sacred journey
AMEN
