Pale Pink...

It’s happening.

The face. The metamorphosis of steroids as I look into eyes that are not quite mine.

But unlike 26 years ago... this will not be a dissociation process.

THIS IS PRESENCE.

Hello old friend... I SEE YOU.

Yes exhausted eyes... but not an exhausted soul.

Yes a swollen face... but not a swollen spirit.

Yes wrinkled skin... but not a wrinkled heart.

I was 11 the last time these mysteries were upon me.

I had the faith but not the contemplative understanding for such SIGNIFICANT transformation.

I was also in an acute battle for my life. I was fighting a darkness that doesn’t exist except in the mystery of death. And I don’t mean that death is a dark enemy.

But the darkness is a blanket, so quiet, that you don’t remember your body anymore.

I’m no longer in an acute battle for my life. I’m making preventative life-altering decisions to live a fuller and more vibrant life.

And thus, retracing my steps.

The doctrine of flux... my absolute favorite philosophy my sophomore year of college. Most likely the reason I continued to pursue writing... though I had never stopped.

Flux reminds us that everything is constantly changing, that opposite ends meet up in a circle, and that everything is and is not at the same time.

It was also a call back to self. A call back to humanity. Flux let me exist.

I’m retracing these steps now because they are my next right steps. But that’s only because they are here now.

I’ve lived more years without cancer than I have with cancer. Still this is my present moment.

It’s my witness.

I didn’t have battle wounds with leukemia or my bone marrow transplant. Blood cancers are internal.

Then thyroid cancer left a sliver of a scar. Still with a line across my throat... it is a daily reminder of how fragile my voice can be.

I’ve never considered it a true battle wound.

And then this summer. Well it wasn’t even a thought of a decision to remove the breast cancer.

BUT.

Little did I know there wouldn’t be enough skin to ever really stretch my neck and chest as I did before.

AND.

This is because of how my body and skin developed from previous cancer therapy.

I love my little deformity. I feel the nerves travel a jagged line every moment of everyday. It’s a new reality.

But I’m free.

I’m neither trapped within or without my body. That’s been my life struggle.

We talk body, mind, and soul.

It makes for a nice deep breath, a wonderful healing massage, and even an interesting spiritual read.

BUT.

Do you live it? Do you love it?

My mantra helps me stay with my answer.

Pink is my zen, my prayer, my Hail Mary full of Grace...

Grace Girl is my walk of faith.

I’m praying more so I can worry less.

I used to pray with anxiety. I think I thought that if I could squeeze my eyes tight enough... my prayers may travel farther and mean more.

Now prayer feels like an endless stream for which I can only respond with gratitude.

These are not MY prayers. These are prayers that I am receiving.

I’m receiving so many prayers. I FEEL so much prayer!

The face.

Hello old friend... I SEE YOU.

THIS TIME.

I also hear you.

I also feel you.

I also know you.

I also have compassion for you.

And now that all this space has been held for you... it’s time to be the girl who just goes for it.

AND I AM...

Stay tuned.

AMEN.

#ThichNhatHahn_oldfriend