Humbling Grace...

We are only 4 days into the New Year and I am in so much need of His saving Grace. It’s actually quite humiliating and yet upon realizing my blindness I cannot help but take to writing.

I’ve completely failed Grace Girl and my spiritual connection this week. I have a weakness for seeking purpose. And in all the inspiring New Year’s post I couldn’t help but feel like I still don’t really do anything.

AND.

Instead of continuing to trust God’s plan for me… I tried to hurry and find one. I don’t have an amazing service.

I write.

I AM A WRITER.

I connect with my soul and words flow. And that’s it. It’s my absolute way of being.

I have nothing to offer. Not like others. It’s not about comparing… it’s just not my path. I want to forgive myself…I want to clean the slate on this day 4. I want to follow the passion the Holy Spirit gives me so freely.

God knows and so I don’t have to. I can give myself unknowing permission.

I know this won’t be the first time that I fall. I just didn’t expect it to be so soon or so obvious. My apologies.

The beauty of pain that it can be absolutely anything it wants to be. It knows no bounds and dreams of something everlasting. Its Evolution is practically poetic. And in this intimacy, there are no white flags. You are an echo of your former self with breath on borrowed time. You can close your eyes but at this point there is no separation of darkness and light. 

Sometimes I am standing so close to the edge that I can feel its breath upon me. It holds me, draws me near, beckons with its insatiable promises that this too shall pass. And in this ebb and flow - I feel only flux, only transition… that this moment is THE moment. Time will either continue to fall upon itself or spiral into my palms… if I allow it… and this, this will give me stillness… and time to survive. As I wrote when I was a child… Cancer cannot have me if it cannot find me… and in prayer, and in reflection… I was always floating in and out of time.

I guess the saying goes - If I knew then what I know now… only for me it has been much the opposite in life. I wished for years to have the wisdom that I had then. When your soul is opened to the angels you become suddenly aware that you are exactly where you need to be. And in this knowing, the construct of time is just a matter of your own breath.

I remember every moment of those years… I can play them, rather feel them – such that the permeability of life is as fluid and salty as the waves that washed upon me. I was a tenacious child, I still am. Nevertheless, this unwavering faith in my existence blessed me with the resolve that while death was prevalent on a floor with my peers… it simply was not my time – though I knew I would come and go from this existence and in doing so, I could eventually stay.

AND.

Here I am. Again. I trust in you. I give this to you.

AMEN.