Breaking Skin...

Scars. We all have them... emotional, physical, and spiritual ties that surface from the abyss as cracks that pierce body and soul. WE don't pay attention to our wounds the way a child does. My daughter is presently aware of everything going on within her. She needs bandaids for cuts that are invisible to the eye. 

And so I wonder... if we are told we must be like children to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, then should this awareness be part of our practice, our ritual exercise? 

How often do I actually tune into what I am feeing, what my needs are, or what nurturing may lift my spirits.? Almost never.

Why? 

Because I spend most of my time reacting. And while I am consciously aware that I would rather respond than react - I am also fully aware that I am so engaged protection that I can hardly find my wings. 

No. This is not weakness. Nor pity. It's not even self doubt. This is courage. This is strength. 

Why?

Because it's easy to be strong when we feel strong, and whole, and safe. 

We rise from the ashes. We rise from our scars. We rise from ourselves into something that connects with the divine. And then we can let go. And then strength is within...

breaking through our skin.

Informing Intention...

Its not always easy to be here. Like where we are. Like right here right now where we are. 

I want to know what's to come, watch it unfold, prepare for its coming.... but I don't know what it is or how I feel about it. I don't know how I want to feel. 

And so I come back to a moment to listen... to information. And all I hear is wait. 

All I know is one movement. And I know it. But I haven't done it. So I start at my feet. I start with what I know. And ironically it's not where I saw myself moving, it not what I expected. But then how often are our plans what we imagined them to be? 

And so. Here I am. I will move and I will wait. 

Shored is She...

That place. That place. You know that place. You've already gone there. You are there right now. I have evoked your senses. Maybe you have and maybe you haven't. I don't actually know.

I know this. I could be overwhelmed right now. I could be very overwhelmed. I will not finish everything on my list before surgery. I'm not being negative. I am being realistic. I am accepting what is... here... now... available to me. 

I have prayed and manifested what I am able. 

I am leaving that which I cannot control. I am bidding adieu to that which I choose not to carry.

A very wise friend told me something today... nothing is ever too heavy, it just means that you are holding too much. There is always something you can let go. 

Ahhh doesn't that give you peace? 

4 more days till surgery. 

It's time to renegotiate my to do list. It's time to let a few things go. It's time to give myself some space and recognition of what is to come. 

It's time to nest a little deeper. I am ready. 

I'm ready. Time to stand up. 

Amen.

Sunrise Stories...

10 days till surgery and I am not sure what I am thinking... 

I think I am too inward to be aware of my thoughts right now...

I am not watching the stream anymore.

I am in it.

I am feeling it, embracing it and experiencing it. 

I think I am nesting... preparing for the unknown but aware of how I may want to feel. How I may want to take care of myself. I'm not distracted or staying busy. 

I do still have a few things on my to do list though.

I'm not sure if my daughter's dance shoes still fit... she definitely needs new tights before team orientation and dance camp. With more dances and more shoes... she probably needs a bigger dance bag... hmmm. So I will try to take care of this today, That will be fun... and it makes me a little part of her first week back at dance that I will otherwise miss. 

I know it's cliche to say she is growing up so fast... but I cannot help but think it. I mean for all you Target shoppers, it means that we are almost out of the Cat and Jack toddler section. Who thought that was ever going to happen? 

That's okay. She still loves unicorns and mermaids and squishes so ...

I just looked at the time for the first "time" this morning and its 7:07.

So I have to interrupt myself. 

I have a thing with numbers... well I don't per se. But I do find the Holy Spirt converses with me through numbers... which is ironic because math is not my thing, but numbers as a language? I love this. 

Today is 7/7 and He had me tune into His presence at 7:07. Yesterday... while thinking about my surgery (on the 17th) and also the Holy Spirit - I happened to look at the page number of a book I was reading... only to see that I was on the 17th page. 

It could seem random... only it isn't. I tried to pretend it was for years. Like of course I am making too much of it. But then it just happened more and more and very specifically.

So now I just know. And I am grateful.

So like I said, I am nesting... and I am also streaming these thoughts... and they are a little scattered... but I am okay with that, because I want to see my thoughts. 

And right now, I am not editing... because right now.. I am nesting. 

And this post is ending and its 7:21. My birthday. Thank you HS

Angel of God....my Guardian dear

Its raining so hard outside. That perfect comfy cozy rain.... 

And I must admit its my first exhale of the day...

Most of my afternoon was spent trying to decide if my stomach was full of rocks or just one large piece of concrete. 

I'm lighting a candle in my mind and in my heart. 

I saw the number 444 all day today. And, I know from experience, that this number represents the Archangels as well as my Guardian Angel. 

And so I am asking for help. I am asking for guidance. I know that I am not in this alone. It isn't a lack of faith. Its just a belief that I have to be strong on my own. 

And I don't. And I know that. But I absolutely always forget.

Right now I am remembering. Right now I am praying. Right now I am falling asleep. 

The angels are keeping watch. 

Amen.

Listening Prayer....

I feel like I talk to myself a lot. I've written that I sense a narration of my entire life. But then it dawned on me today... it's a conversation. An ongoing prayer. Because while time set aside for prayer is especially important in my life - in some ways life is a prayer. 

Each day is its own petition. Each experience its own intention. 

AND...

As this heavy summer evening folds its hands and vows itself with the protection of the night sky -  I too bow in the thought that tomorrow is the last day of waiting... before the final results. 

Because the day after tomorrow... I will know what type of cancer, the stage, its whereabouts within my body, my plan.

I won't know any outcomes. We never do... until they happen, and then its over. 

So I stay in prayer... in conversation. I listen. Especially now... I haven't a lot to say.

I hold onto Stella. I breathe in her smile. Tonight she is my prayer. 

Amen.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

The Envelope Please...

The results are in.

I received a call from my doctor at exactly 4:05 pm.

There are days that it's difficult not too see your life as an accumulative process... and today was one of those days.

But I will say that while the results were familiar - it was also a mic drop moment for me.

It was a ... I know this but I don't want to accept it.... moment. 

And then it was just an exhale moment. It was a ready or not here I come moment. It was a hide and seek with my daughter but I already know where she is kind of moment. It was a no wish is going to change this moment. 

It was a waiting is hard but I still have to wait more moment. 

So the cancer is more than likely in the early stages. More than likely contained. More than likely sounds good.

For sure sounds better. 

AMEN.

My Wish

So I leap across the room to answer the phone. Right? It was spam.

And then I get into the car (alone) and I'm driving. And My Wish comes on.... right?

Like I cry when I hear that song on a normal day. It's also a special song because along with a lifetime of prayers - it was my daily song for God to bless me with Stella. And from the moment she was born it's been our song. 

And so of course Im driving like a perfectly normal person and the song comes on... AND I am waiting for these results. And like really I just can't. 

But thank goodness for waterproof mascara. And sunglasses. And a sacred place to write and to be.

Every time my phone so much as twitches I find myself mid air. 

I am sure that I will have at least one more story before tomorrow. Or not. Either way. 

Tick tock. Tick tock. 

Distraction Darling...

Why is it that I try to distract myself from suffering. I try to move away from what is.... and that isn't real. Because my thoughts about worry are in fact, not real.

I give this worry a type of humanity and clothe it in a realness that isn't there. A fabric, a textile that is just that... my own woven threads. 

I have this chair. It is the chair. The one where I go for inspiration... and the chair itself isn't inspiring, but what it represents empowers me. 

I had watched a Diane Von Furstenberg reality show and they filmed in her office. And that's when I saw the chair... the one I labeled the DVF chair. And of course I do not have THAT chair, but I have one that reminds me of it. 

And its not real... the empowerment is not IN that chair. But if i am going to let a story influence me... then I want it to be inspiring. 

Because the inspiration is real. That is real. 

And so tonight, I will sit in my chair. 

Amen

Shhhhhhh.....

It is so absolutely quiet. It's just me and the darkness. No more distractions. That fell with the night sky. 

And this is what I remember. The sacredness of being with the divine. The place you find - the quiet space when you are faced with illness. I remember it so well. 

Of course I can do this. Of course I can beat cancer. I have done it before. 

Still waiting. 

Amen, Amen...

I've just returned home from a follow up appointment to check a concern for breast cancer.

That is a sentence I never thought I would type. I have had cancer three times in my life. 

I only went in to see my doctor because I scared myself after a late night diagnosis on Web MD. 

And then he said he couldn't say it wasn't Paget's disease of the breast. And then, he wanted me to schedule an appointment immediately.

Wait, what?

These are familiar words, just not something I expected to hear... It's just not what I expected. 

And so in one way or another... this is Grace Girl. 

The Waiting Room

We often think of a waiting room as a physical space and maybe it is...

But

Today its a sacred place. A place from which I cannot seem to leave and yet haven't quite decided to stay. 

This is a photo of when I was in remission from leukemia the first time. Before my relapse, before my bone marrow transplant. Before I knew I would have thyroid cancer as a late effect from radiation.... and before now... while I wait to hear if I have Paget's disease of the breast -  a rare form of breast cancer. 

This is the fourth time in my life that I wait to hear if I have cancer, but this is the only time I have done so with a child.

It's different. It means more. She knows nothing. Maybe she feels it. 

I feel like I cannot accept the cancer since I do not have a pathology report to confirm it. Yet, it's a more than likely reality.

So I choose to breathe.

I am not in fight mode... yet. I am not in acceptance. I'm not even in fear. 

So I imagine tonight i will go inside. I will find God... in that deep place. The place I've been before. I will lay this before Him. And then I will wait there tonight. That is where I will be. 

AND I will wait...